Monday, February 8, 2010

The Abridged List of Things Jim Delaney is Against

Recently, ESPN blogger Eamonn Brennan explored Jim Delaney's stance on the expansion of the NCAA Tournament.* Old man Delaney, as Joe Paterno has affectionately taken to calling him, is the current commish of the Big Ten. In case you don't know Jim Delaney's stance on everything, I'll catch you up real quick. He's against it! In this case, and it's probably the only case, I agree with him. The NCAA tournament is perfect the way it is. And, it likely would further dilute the importance of the regular season to expand the tourney. Just for fun, though, I'm going to hike up my pants, wag my finger and do my best Delaney impression as I give you a rundown of an abridged list of things he has likely been against at some point in his life:

1) The three point line
2) Dunking
3) The pass
4) Basketball shorts that can't more accurately be described as skivvies
5) Larry Bird's hair circa 1979
6) A Shot Clock
7) Offense
8) Dribbling
9) The New Deal
10) The end of Prohibition
11) The Wright Brothers first flight (Delaney has always believed any place you can't get to with the power of a horse's hooves isn't worth getting to)
12) Children's laughter
13) Anybody who sides with team Jacob (Delaney is an Edward man himself)
14) The end of the Nixon administration
15) Improvisational Jazz
16) Taylor Swift
17) Texting
18) Any abbreviations involved with texting
19) Definitely against Sexting
20) LOL is right out
21) Joe Paterno
22) Joe Paterno (he hates him with twice the power of his normal hatred. That's Jim Delaney hate squared for those keeping track at home.)
23) The state of New Jersey
24) Chuck Norris jokes
25) Kids on lawns (not just his lawn, it irks him when they are having fun on any lawn. Also typically involves laughing. See no. 12.)
26) A lack of good old fashioned canings
27) Hot Topic
28) Anything foreign
29) Anything French (worse than foreign)
30) Singing
31) Dancing
32) Smiling
33) Christmas (especially in Whoville)
34) Musicals (they involve singing, dancing and smiling. See no.'s 30 to 32)
35) Hippies (see Larry Bird's hair, circa 1979)
36) World Peace (he'd be all for it, if it wasn't for the hippies)
37) New Coke
38) Old Coke
39) Rainbow suspenders (he takes his plain brown, thank you)
40) Snapping suspenders (they're there for one reason, holding up pants. Snapping is too ostentatious.)
41) Jimmy Carter (also considered to be a hippy by Delaney standards)
42) Disney World (along with anything else that elicits children's laughter)
43) The use of the word "bro"
44) The Protestant Reformation
45) The Enlightenment
46) Lady Gaga
47) East Coast/West Coast Beef
48) The rise of Conan O'Brien to the Tonight Show
49) The fall of Conan O'Brien from the Tonight Show
50) Anyone who disagrees with him ever

Phew! That was more like an abridged version of the abridged version of things Delaney is against, but you sort of get the idea.


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